SEASON’S EATINGS: How Santa Claus And An Army Of Elves Have Engaged In A Scheme To Contribute To A National Epidemic

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention is reporting that childhood obesity affects nearly 17.5% of children and adolescents.  WebMD claims that nearly one in five children are overweight or obese.  The American Academy of Child & Parent Psychiatry estimates that obesity affects between 16% and 33% of children and adolescents.  These rates have increased nearly 300% over the past thirty years.

A number of factors are likely contributing to this epidemic.  The most common reasons, however, appear to be some combination of eating too much, consuming unhealthy foods and exercising too little.

Personally, I blame the elves.  Santa’s elves.

I’m not sure how long it’s been since the little miscreants have actually made toys that were delivered by the jolly fat man in the red suit.  Instead, the only elves that seem to be working are busy whipping up chocolate chip granola fudge bars, double stuffed fudge cookies and jumbo peanut butter fudge sticks.  This isn’t necessarily the most positive trend, because these goodies don’t exactly have the nutritional value of fruits, vegetables, lean meats or any other food commonly associated with positive health.  The little boogers are even rationalizing the presence of trans-fats in many of their recipes:

We are aware of the health concerns regarding trans-fats.  We have invested significant resources to find suitable ingredient replacements to reduce or remove trans-fats from our foods…  This is a challenge to do without impacting taste, texture and freshness. We remain dedicated to achieving this goal in existing products that still contain trans-fats, as well as in any future products we introduce.

The elves need to stop this practice, uphold their end of the bargain and work with their ringleader to simply make toys that will be delivered to children throughout the world.  The problem may be that ‘ol St. Nick isn’t exactly an innocent party, and he instead appears to be conspiring with the elves to perpetuate the scheme.  For example, we’re aware that children have long been encouraged to leave a plate of cookies near the chimney on Christmas Eve.  This is, after all, the season of giving and Santa surely welcomes this snack.  When asked to estimate the number of cookies that he eats, the plump old man admitted that he eats:

Lots and lots. I’m not sure if I can count high enough, but I eat a lot of cookies even though Mrs. Claus says to cut back on the number. Last year I ate so many I felt a little sick because of the sheer number of them, so this year I may eat a little less at each home.

Sometimes kids will also leave some type of healthy snack near the chimney.  Many kids elect to provide carrots, but others leave apples or a different vegetable or fruit.  We all know that this is really a farce.  Santa eats the cookies, but we’re also pretty darn sure that he feeds the healthy food to his pets… er… the reindeer.

Frankly, I’m done with the fat old man and his legion of elves.  I really should have stopped believing some time ago, given that I’m now in my thirties and have already successfully dismissed the Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin and other fictional characters.  This, however, is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  I would therefore strongly suggest that everyone follow suit and emphasize a holiday that is rooted in history, is predicated on real human beings and has national significance.   That’s right – I’m suggesting that we simply flash forward to February and celebrate Presidents Day.  George Washington may not have been the pinnacle of health, but he’s also not likely to contribute to the national obesity epidemic or slide down your chimney and eat your cookies.

One response to “SEASON’S EATINGS: How Santa Claus And An Army Of Elves Have Engaged In A Scheme To Contribute To A National Epidemic

  1. sweetopiagirl December 7, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Reblogged this on Inspiredweightloss.

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