CAUTIONARY TALES: a conspiracy among machines, amoebas and breast implants

The world is quickly becoming a very dangerous place, and current events only stress the hazards posed by modern society.  These recent news reports only emphasize the need for continued caution and safety:

Take the stairs.  Walking up or down a flight of stairs is a healthier alternative to simply using an elevator.  A recent tragedy reminds us, however, that choosing the stairs over the elevator may be akin to choosing life over death.  A woman was recently killed when an elevator began its ascent as she was stepping into the cab.  Look, I’m a nerd, which means that I’m all too familiar with Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive, Daniel Hudson’s Robopocalypse and a slew of science fiction that most normal and productive members of society will never admit to enjoying.  This means that I already understand that machines, computers and other marvels of technology are secretly planning to destroy the human race, one person at a time.  Think about it.

Never irrigate your sinus passages using a ceramic lamp filled with tap water.  At least two people in Louisiana were killed by Naegleria fowleri, which are evil little amoebas that contaminated the tap water used in their neti pots.  The amoebas apparently became lodged in their noses and caused infections in their brains.  These infections often cause vomiting, confusion and hallucinations.  They are also lethal in nearly every instance, and victims tend to die within twelve days.  Your best defense against these predators is a box full of kleenex and an abundance of accumulated sick leave.

Avoid Pilates.  A woman recently reported that her body “swallowed” one of her breast implants and it simply disappeared while she was performing a Valsalva Maneuver during a Pilates class.  The Valsalva Maneuver appears to be a breathing technique and not a magic trick, although someone may want to modify the procedure to cause beer bellies and flabby thighs to disappear.  In the meantime, we should refrain from these exercises and recognize our health and well-being is better served by grabbing a few snacks, taking shelter on the couch and zoning out in front of the television.

2 responses to “CAUTIONARY TALES: a conspiracy among machines, amoebas and breast implants

  1. paddyro December 18, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Could have been worse , the breast implant could have swallowed her or even the whole pilates class.

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