YOUR FRIENDS ARE PLOTTING TO KILL YOU: ‘tis the season for holiday gifts that suggest a sinister, diabolic motive

Your friends are trying to kill you.   It’s true.  Everyone knows it but you.

THE GIFT OF RELAXATION.  You should have at least suspected foul play when your friends gave you the ShoulderFlex Shoulder Massager.   This innocuous little gizmo may appear to be an ideal gift for a fitness enthusiast recovering from grueling training.  Little did you know that looks can be deceiving.  The ShoulderFlex is really a doppelganger of death that ambushes its unsuspecting victims by slowly lulling them into a state of catatonic relaxation.  Once the victim is subdued, the nefarious little machine grabs their hair or jewelry and attempts to choke them.  The Food and Drug Administration has already warned that “[c]onsumers should stop using this device, health care providers should not recommend it to their patients and businesses should stop distributing and selling the device.”

THE GIFT OF GLUTTONY.  You’re vaguely familiar with Bacon Mania, probably because you read about the cultural phenomenon on some half-baked blog.  Either that, or you’re already fond of bacon ice cream, bacon pie, frosted maple bacon cupcakes and bacon chocolate candy bars.

Your friends are also familiar with Bacon Mania.  They understand the correlation between eating massive quantities of highly caloric foods, such as bacon, and heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer of the uterus, cervix, ovaries, breast, colon, rectum and prostrate.  They also read about these concerns on the same half-baked blog.

Not surprisingly, they purchased a ticking time-bomb for you… a lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club, which the merchant of death describes as follows:

This Bacon of the Month Club delivers two packages of different flavors of bacon to your door once a month. Yes, it’s true. No need to pinch yourself; you’re not dreaming. And you don’t have to die in order for you to reach Hog-Heaven. It’s right here, in this bacon-tastic club. Beautiful.

No.  It’s not bacon-tastic.  It’s not beautiful.  It’s just so wrong, in so many ways.  And it’s yet another sign that your friends have conspired to lead you toward your grave.

THE GIFT OF LIFE.  Your lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club was accompanied by another gift: obesity.  You’re now fat and at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer.  That’s why your were relieved when your friends ponied up $2,884.00, the average cost of liposuction.

You’re well aware of the risks associated with the procedure.  You could suffer from infection, organ damage, fluid imbalance, pulmonary embolism or a lidocaine overdose.  You never suspected, however, that the most grave risk came from their selection of Carlos Guzmangarza as the professional who will perform the procedure.

You must have missed the media reports while you were busy guzzling bacon vodka and devouring the Fool’s Loaf Sandwich and the Bacon Explosion.  If you had been paying attention or conducted a modicum of due diligence, however, you’d have learned that Mr. Guzmangarza – or however the hell you spell it – has been accused of stealing a doctor’s identity, operating a phony clinic and performing illegal liposuction on unsuspecting victims.    The first victim to accuse him of the crimes suffered from an infection in her abdomen and needed to undergo corrective surgery.  You’re now next in line.

The warning signs were subtle and could have been overlooked by anyone unfamiliar with the intricacies of the contemporary practice of medicine and modern health care.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, would have recognized any problems when a self-described medical professional smokes a cigar while operating and makes the patient hold his or her own IV bag during the procedure.  Hell, you thought he was just being friendly and sociable when he later came to your house and disposed of six pounds of your fat by flushing it down the toilet.

Good luck.

THE GIFT OF PARADISE.  They may be trying to kill you, but your friends obviously have at least a pinch of a conscience.  At least, that’s what you rationalized when they gave you the gift of eternal peace and everlasting bliss.  That’s right: they took the liberty of reserving your spot in heaven.

The reservation was even accompanied by a travel kit that contains an official reservation certificate commemorating the occasion, an official identification card that clearly shows that you’re entitled to safe passage and an informational guide that should help you navigate the… uh… stairway to heaven?  You can also take comfort in knowing that the herald is offering a 100% money back guarantee that you’ll find ample accommodations in the afterlife.

Unfortunately, you won’t be able to take advantage of this guarantee.  If you don’t make it to heaven, you’re already dead, probably don’t need money and already on your way to a much warmer environment.

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