Category Archives: Gifts

YOUR FRIENDS ARE PLOTTING TO KILL YOU: ‘tis the season for holiday gifts that suggest a sinister, diabolic motive

Your friends are trying to kill you.   It’s true.  Everyone knows it but you.

THE GIFT OF RELAXATION.  You should have at least suspected foul play when your friends gave you the ShoulderFlex Shoulder Massager.   This innocuous little gizmo may appear to be an ideal gift for a fitness enthusiast recovering from grueling training.  Little did you know that looks can be deceiving.  The ShoulderFlex is really a doppelganger of death that ambushes its unsuspecting victims by slowly lulling them into a state of catatonic relaxation.  Once the victim is subdued, the nefarious little machine grabs their hair or jewelry and attempts to choke them.  The Food and Drug Administration has already warned that “[c]onsumers should stop using this device, health care providers should not recommend it to their patients and businesses should stop distributing and selling the device.”

THE GIFT OF GLUTTONY.  You’re vaguely familiar with Bacon Mania, probably because you read about the cultural phenomenon on some half-baked blog.  Either that, or you’re already fond of bacon ice cream, bacon pie, frosted maple bacon cupcakes and bacon chocolate candy bars.

Your friends are also familiar with Bacon Mania.  They understand the correlation between eating massive quantities of highly caloric foods, such as bacon, and heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer of the uterus, cervix, ovaries, breast, colon, rectum and prostrate.  They also read about these concerns on the same half-baked blog.

Not surprisingly, they purchased a ticking time-bomb for you… a lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club, which the merchant of death describes as follows:

This Bacon of the Month Club delivers two packages of different flavors of bacon to your door once a month. Yes, it’s true. No need to pinch yourself; you’re not dreaming. And you don’t have to die in order for you to reach Hog-Heaven. It’s right here, in this bacon-tastic club. Beautiful.

No.  It’s not bacon-tastic.  It’s not beautiful.  It’s just so wrong, in so many ways.  And it’s yet another sign that your friends have conspired to lead you toward your grave.

THE GIFT OF LIFE.  Your lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club was accompanied by another gift: obesity.  You’re now fat and at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer.  That’s why your were relieved when your friends ponied up $2,884.00, the average cost of liposuction.

You’re well aware of the risks associated with the procedure.  You could suffer from infection, organ damage, fluid imbalance, pulmonary embolism or a lidocaine overdose.  You never suspected, however, that the most grave risk came from their selection of Carlos Guzmangarza as the professional who will perform the procedure.

You must have missed the media reports while you were busy guzzling bacon vodka and devouring the Fool’s Loaf Sandwich and the Bacon Explosion.  If you had been paying attention or conducted a modicum of due diligence, however, you’d have learned that Mr. Guzmangarza – or however the hell you spell it – has been accused of stealing a doctor’s identity, operating a phony clinic and performing illegal liposuction on unsuspecting victims.    The first victim to accuse him of the crimes suffered from an infection in her abdomen and needed to undergo corrective surgery.  You’re now next in line.

The warning signs were subtle and could have been overlooked by anyone unfamiliar with the intricacies of the contemporary practice of medicine and modern health care.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, would have recognized any problems when a self-described medical professional smokes a cigar while operating and makes the patient hold his or her own IV bag during the procedure.  Hell, you thought he was just being friendly and sociable when he later came to your house and disposed of six pounds of your fat by flushing it down the toilet.

Good luck.

THE GIFT OF PARADISE.  They may be trying to kill you, but your friends obviously have at least a pinch of a conscience.  At least, that’s what you rationalized when they gave you the gift of eternal peace and everlasting bliss.  That’s right: they took the liberty of reserving your spot in heaven.

The reservation was even accompanied by a travel kit that contains an official reservation certificate commemorating the occasion, an official identification card that clearly shows that you’re entitled to safe passage and an informational guide that should help you navigate the… uh… stairway to heaven?  You can also take comfort in knowing that the herald is offering a 100% money back guarantee that you’ll find ample accommodations in the afterlife.

Unfortunately, you won’t be able to take advantage of this guarantee.  If you don’t make it to heaven, you’re already dead, probably don’t need money and already on your way to a much warmer environment.

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE: presents for people who attract obnoxious swarms of biting, stinging and irksome insects

QUESTION: What gift could you possible get for a friend or relative who attracts obnoxious swarms of biting, stinging and irksome insects?

ANSWER:  Hair.

Seriously?  Seriously.  Nearly a year ago, the media was reporting that nurses stationed at hospitals in Auckland, New Zealand, were being attacked by swarms of biting insects.  The nurses reportedly resorted to wearing flea collars around their ankles to protect themselves from infestations at the hospitals.  These flea collars were, however, designed for use by dogs, cats and other pets, and they therefore contained toxins and other harmful chemicals that could prove dangerous to humans.  At least one hospital therefore suggested that its staff consider using electronic flea collars, which are apparently a more appropriate, dignified and stylish alternative.

Ecolab, the company responsible for pest management at most hospitals in Auckland, essentially dismissed the claims.  It reportedly explained that the irritations suffered by nurses may not be caused by real insects but instead could be caused by imaginary bugs.  The company also allegedly theorized that marks on the skin that resemble insect bites may actually be caused by static electricity.

That’s right: schooled, trained and licensed medical professionals entrusted to save human lives were now unable to differentiate between swarms of biting insects and the type of electric shock you receive when you touch a doorknob after scuttling around in socks.

Well, static electricity is apparently contagious.  Employees at the largest casino in Auckland later complained that they were also suffering from similar attacks from swarms of insec…. er…  electric shocks.  They also began wearing flea collars around their ankles to protect themselves from bites… uh… electric shocks.  Not surprisingly, the casino’s management allegedly dismissed the claims.  A spokesperson for the casino reportedlyexplained that

[m]ost large carpeted buildings that are frequented by the public encounter some degree of an issue with biting insects…  We have thorough proactive pest control measures in place and are confident that we are providing a safe and healthy facility for our staff and customers.

It also represented that the casino’s carpeted floors are cleaned on a daily basis and that it was not aware of any problems with biting insects.  The explanation fails to account for the reason that SkyCity Casino provided insect repellant to its staff.

Credit a group of scientists with a recent discovery that may serve as a more practical means for combating the infestations than insect repellant and flea anklets. According to a recent report in Biology Letters, a bi-monthly publication that purports to carry cutting-edge research articles, ectoparasites – the technical name for bedbugs – can be thwarted by hair.  The report was submitted by a team of scientists from Sheffield, England, that conducted an experiment that revealed that bedbugs placed on shaved arms were more likely to attack than bedbugs placed on unshaved arms.  They theorized that body hair slowed attacks by bedbugs because the bedbugs were unable to find an appropriate location to feast.

This discovery may not lead to a perfect or ideal solution, simply because the experiment was limited to attacks by bedbugs and not swarms of other nagging insects.  At the very least, though, the recent revelation offers hope and promise to the victims during the forthcoming holiday season.  It’s a Christmas miracle, Charlie Brown!

This little nugget of joy also means that Rogaine has suddenly become a fitting gift for balding friends and relatives.  Your friends and relatives will no longer take offense at the implications; they’ll simply be thankful and appreciative of your kindness and generosity.  They’ll also applaud your gifts of specially formulated shampoos and conditioners designed to stimulate the growth of hair and cutting-edge hair rejuvenation systems.

Want to really splurge on that special someone?  Consider the Hands Free Hair Rejuvenation System that’s now sold at the Sharper Image.  It’s an electric metal hat that resembles some odd combination of a bicycle crash helmet and the robotic maid from the Jetsons.  I’m guessing that it also makes an ideal fashion statement for trendy and stylish recipients.

So.  There you have it.  Any product that purports to stimulate the growth of hair is clearly the most appropriate gift for someone who attracts obnoxious swarms of biting, stinging and irksome insects.  You’ll never disparage late-night infomercials again.

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