Category Archives: Holidays

On Valentine’s Day, nothing screams passion or romance like cake shaped after an anatomically correct human heart.

We already know that Pizza Hut set a very high standard for romantic cuisine for the coming holiday.  Valentine’s Day will simply never be the same after celebrating everlasting love by relishing in the joy of the franchise’s $10,010 Big Box Proposal Meal Deal.  Seriously, the phrase “I love you” is virtually synonymous with a one-topping medium pizza, a handful of overcooked breadsticks and bit of glitz and glamor.

Of course, other franchises and chains have taken notice.  Papa John’s pizzeria, for example, sold around 60,000 heart-shaped pizzas last year and expects to sell 75,000 this year.  Krispy Kreme is selling heart-shaped chunks of fun topped with all sorts of icing or sprinkles.  Down the street, competitive consumers will be able to celebrate Dunkin’ DonutsCupid’s Choice Donut and its Chocolate Heart Donut.

Somewhere in London, Lily Vanilli is laughing at the competition.  The baker, renown for unique and creative products, is now selling anatomically correct cakes that are shaped like real, bona fide human hearts.  I only wish I was making this up.  You can either visit the website to bear witness to images of these hearty desserts, or scroll down a bit for a better view.  As for me, well, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth, my stomach is making weird noises…gotta go.

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A greasy slice of pizza is the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day? You betcha.

Valentine’s Day has become synonymous with passionate romance, intimate meals, delicate red flowers and those goofy little greeting cards swapped by children.

The holiday is also closely associated with decadent chocolate and rich candied treats. These desserts are, however, relatively boring and uninspired. Still, hope exists for the affluent. Star-crossed lovers can now empty their wallets on the most expensive truffle in the world, which is priced at around $125.00 per ounce or around $2,000.00 per pound, or a box of ten chocolate bars accompanied by an Antic Swiss gold coin that costs $357.00. Those with more extravagant tastes can chose between sparkling desserts iced with jewelry, including a red velvet cupcake topped with an 8 carat diamond ring that costs $55,000.00 or a chocolate praline topped with a 3.63 carat diamond that retails for $240,000.00.

The rest of us – the blue-collar consumers – can always surprise our significant others with garlic bread and a hearty slice of pepperoni and sausage pizza. Soft drinks and chicken wings are optional, but are always greatly appreciated.

Holy slovenly sauces, Batman! Pizza Hut, the giant commercial franchise dedicated to the delivery of modern Italian cuisine, is now offering a pizza pie deal that costs $10,010.00. The franchise refers to the offering as its Big Box Proposal, and the scandalous spread includes a medium one-topping pizza, a generous portion of five breadsticks with marinara dipping sauce and ten cinnamon sticks topped with rich icing. The franchise is, of course, coupling the grub with a fireworks show, limousine service, a photographer, a videographer and a red ruby ring of undisclosed composition and value.

Extra cheese is available as a topping for an additional charge. I’m not kidding. The menu clearly indicates that consumers will have to pay more than $10,010.00 for another handful of processed cheese.

The dairy surcharged hasn’t deterred those eager to make their lover’s hearts pitter-patter to the beat of clogging arteries. A spokesperson for the franchise claims that the company received around eight hundred “serious inquiries” during a one-day period.

Eat your heart out, Papa John and Mr. Gatti. You’ll never successfully court Ms. Domino or Little Caesar with a simple spinach alfredo pie or a coupon for an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.

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YOUR FRIENDS ARE PLOTTING TO KILL YOU: ‘tis the season for holiday gifts that suggest a sinister, diabolic motive

Your friends are trying to kill you.   It’s true.  Everyone knows it but you.

THE GIFT OF RELAXATION.  You should have at least suspected foul play when your friends gave you the ShoulderFlex Shoulder Massager.   This innocuous little gizmo may appear to be an ideal gift for a fitness enthusiast recovering from grueling training.  Little did you know that looks can be deceiving.  The ShoulderFlex is really a doppelganger of death that ambushes its unsuspecting victims by slowly lulling them into a state of catatonic relaxation.  Once the victim is subdued, the nefarious little machine grabs their hair or jewelry and attempts to choke them.  The Food and Drug Administration has already warned that “[c]onsumers should stop using this device, health care providers should not recommend it to their patients and businesses should stop distributing and selling the device.”

THE GIFT OF GLUTTONY.  You’re vaguely familiar with Bacon Mania, probably because you read about the cultural phenomenon on some half-baked blog.  Either that, or you’re already fond of bacon ice cream, bacon pie, frosted maple bacon cupcakes and bacon chocolate candy bars.

Your friends are also familiar with Bacon Mania.  They understand the correlation between eating massive quantities of highly caloric foods, such as bacon, and heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer of the uterus, cervix, ovaries, breast, colon, rectum and prostrate.  They also read about these concerns on the same half-baked blog.

Not surprisingly, they purchased a ticking time-bomb for you… a lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club, which the merchant of death describes as follows:

This Bacon of the Month Club delivers two packages of different flavors of bacon to your door once a month. Yes, it’s true. No need to pinch yourself; you’re not dreaming. And you don’t have to die in order for you to reach Hog-Heaven. It’s right here, in this bacon-tastic club. Beautiful.

No.  It’s not bacon-tastic.  It’s not beautiful.  It’s just so wrong, in so many ways.  And it’s yet another sign that your friends have conspired to lead you toward your grave.

THE GIFT OF LIFE.  Your lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club was accompanied by another gift: obesity.  You’re now fat and at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer.  That’s why your were relieved when your friends ponied up $2,884.00, the average cost of liposuction.

You’re well aware of the risks associated with the procedure.  You could suffer from infection, organ damage, fluid imbalance, pulmonary embolism or a lidocaine overdose.  You never suspected, however, that the most grave risk came from their selection of Carlos Guzmangarza as the professional who will perform the procedure.

You must have missed the media reports while you were busy guzzling bacon vodka and devouring the Fool’s Loaf Sandwich and the Bacon Explosion.  If you had been paying attention or conducted a modicum of due diligence, however, you’d have learned that Mr. Guzmangarza – or however the hell you spell it – has been accused of stealing a doctor’s identity, operating a phony clinic and performing illegal liposuction on unsuspecting victims.    The first victim to accuse him of the crimes suffered from an infection in her abdomen and needed to undergo corrective surgery.  You’re now next in line.

The warning signs were subtle and could have been overlooked by anyone unfamiliar with the intricacies of the contemporary practice of medicine and modern health care.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, would have recognized any problems when a self-described medical professional smokes a cigar while operating and makes the patient hold his or her own IV bag during the procedure.  Hell, you thought he was just being friendly and sociable when he later came to your house and disposed of six pounds of your fat by flushing it down the toilet.

Good luck.

THE GIFT OF PARADISE.  They may be trying to kill you, but your friends obviously have at least a pinch of a conscience.  At least, that’s what you rationalized when they gave you the gift of eternal peace and everlasting bliss.  That’s right: they took the liberty of reserving your spot in heaven.

The reservation was even accompanied by a travel kit that contains an official reservation certificate commemorating the occasion, an official identification card that clearly shows that you’re entitled to safe passage and an informational guide that should help you navigate the… uh… stairway to heaven?  You can also take comfort in knowing that the herald is offering a 100% money back guarantee that you’ll find ample accommodations in the afterlife.

Unfortunately, you won’t be able to take advantage of this guarantee.  If you don’t make it to heaven, you’re already dead, probably don’t need money and already on your way to a much warmer environment.

FOUL FEET AND A HOLIDAY TREAT: a timely recipe for inconvenience and frustration

You’re tired.  You’re cranky.  You’re cold.  And you’re late.  The crowds are overwhelming, and you somehow found yourself stuck behind a series of yahoos who are obsessed with playing with their smartphones while slowly strolling through a mob of people who are also tired, cranky, cold and late.

The airport is the last place that you want to be during the holiday season.

You’ve removed your belt.  You’ve emptied your pockets.  The crowds are still overwhelming, and the line that you selected doesn’t seem to be moving.  Unfortunately, you’re also stuck behind an overweight gentleman who nearly cleared the area when he removed his shoes and freed whatever demons lurked beneath.

The security checkpoint at the airport is a yet another milestone in your yuletide journey through hell.

You stomach is growling.  You didn’t have time to eat.  You’re hungry.  The crowds are still overwhelming, the line still doesn’t seem to be moving and the fat man’s demons have yet to retreat.  You’re well aware that you’re not going to have the opportunity to pay a king’s ransom for a hot dog, a bag of chips or some other exotic delicacy sold by a vendor near your gate.

The beast in your belly is fightin’ mad, and his guttural roars are a constant reminder that you should have packed a few leftover cookies, cakes and other holiday treats.

Therein lies the problem.  These little nuggets of fun contain a disproportional amount of calories and an unrealistic amount of sugar.  They obviously pose an almost irresistible threat to our health and an unfortunately obstacle to the fulfillment of our upcoming resolutions.  They’re dangerous, but the hazards don’t necessarily begin at the waistline and end at unfulfilled resolutions.

Instead, holiday desserts may well constitute a clear and present danger to everyone’s safety and potential threat to national security.  This means that the last place that anyone wants to be caught red-handed with a cookie, cake or iced concoction is the security checkpoint at the airport.

Wait.  Holiday desserts may constitute a threat to national security?

Of course, and recent events at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas, Nevada, only serve to illustrate this concern.

Several days ago, Rebecca Hains, a 35-year-old communications professor at Salem State University, was trying to catch a ride on an airplane.  Unfortunately, she attempted to clear the security checkpoint at McCarran International Airport while carrying a red-velvet cupcake.  The red-velvet cupcake was topped with a hearty amount of icing, and this was a problem.  A serious problem.

A federal agent reportedly concluded that the gel-like icing violated federal regulations.  She was therefore forced to surrender her cupcake to the Transportation Safety Administration.

Ms. Hains was obviously not happy.  She believed that the TSA agent encroached upon her civil liberties.

Regardless of the claims and concerns, however, this entry isn’t meant to spark a debate on the lawfulness or appropriateness of the actions of federal screening officials.  It’s simply a recounting of an incident that involved a passenger, an agent and a cupcake… and a warning about yahoos with cellphones and noxious beings lurking in shoes worn by overweight gentlemen.

ONE LAST HURRAH: our final opportunity to celebrate the beauty of burgers

December 22, 2011, marks the Winter Solstice, an annual astrological phenomenon that occurs on the shortest day and the longest night of each year.  Many civilizations and cultures have recognized the Winter Solstice through holidays, celebrations and other observances.  It has been tied to the Japanese celebration of Amaterasu or the Requiem of the Dead, the Celtic Mummer’s Day, the Saami celebration of the Beaivi Festival, and Korochun, a Slavic holiday that is similar to Halloween.

The Winter Solstice also roughly coincides with National Hamburger Day.  December 21st serves as an annual reminder of the inherent joy that can be derived from an appropriate combination meat, buns, condiments and a creamy substance commonly known only as the “special sauce.”  Raymond Kroc would be proud.

Unfortunately, this may be the last year that we’re able to properly recognize the beauty of the tasty little marvels.  The Mayans have currently scheduled the world to end on December 21, 2012.  Unless they chose to cancel their appointment, we’ll likely perish in a galactic cauldron of fire, brimstone and explosive destruction.

That means that we’ll never enjoy another National Hamburger Day, because we’ll be dead.

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