Tag Archives: bacon mania

YOUR FRIENDS ARE PLOTTING TO KILL YOU: ‘tis the season for holiday gifts that suggest a sinister, diabolic motive

Your friends are trying to kill you.   It’s true.  Everyone knows it but you.

THE GIFT OF RELAXATION.  You should have at least suspected foul play when your friends gave you the ShoulderFlex Shoulder Massager.   This innocuous little gizmo may appear to be an ideal gift for a fitness enthusiast recovering from grueling training.  Little did you know that looks can be deceiving.  The ShoulderFlex is really a doppelganger of death that ambushes its unsuspecting victims by slowly lulling them into a state of catatonic relaxation.  Once the victim is subdued, the nefarious little machine grabs their hair or jewelry and attempts to choke them.  The Food and Drug Administration has already warned that “[c]onsumers should stop using this device, health care providers should not recommend it to their patients and businesses should stop distributing and selling the device.”

THE GIFT OF GLUTTONY.  You’re vaguely familiar with Bacon Mania, probably because you read about the cultural phenomenon on some half-baked blog.  Either that, or you’re already fond of bacon ice cream, bacon pie, frosted maple bacon cupcakes and bacon chocolate candy bars.

Your friends are also familiar with Bacon Mania.  They understand the correlation between eating massive quantities of highly caloric foods, such as bacon, and heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer of the uterus, cervix, ovaries, breast, colon, rectum and prostrate.  They also read about these concerns on the same half-baked blog.

Not surprisingly, they purchased a ticking time-bomb for you… a lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club, which the merchant of death describes as follows:

This Bacon of the Month Club delivers two packages of different flavors of bacon to your door once a month. Yes, it’s true. No need to pinch yourself; you’re not dreaming. And you don’t have to die in order for you to reach Hog-Heaven. It’s right here, in this bacon-tastic club. Beautiful.

No.  It’s not bacon-tastic.  It’s not beautiful.  It’s just so wrong, in so many ways.  And it’s yet another sign that your friends have conspired to lead you toward your grave.

THE GIFT OF LIFE.  Your lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club was accompanied by another gift: obesity.  You’re now fat and at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer.  That’s why your were relieved when your friends ponied up $2,884.00, the average cost of liposuction.

You’re well aware of the risks associated with the procedure.  You could suffer from infection, organ damage, fluid imbalance, pulmonary embolism or a lidocaine overdose.  You never suspected, however, that the most grave risk came from their selection of Carlos Guzmangarza as the professional who will perform the procedure.

You must have missed the media reports while you were busy guzzling bacon vodka and devouring the Fool’s Loaf Sandwich and the Bacon Explosion.  If you had been paying attention or conducted a modicum of due diligence, however, you’d have learned that Mr. Guzmangarza – or however the hell you spell it – has been accused of stealing a doctor’s identity, operating a phony clinic and performing illegal liposuction on unsuspecting victims.    The first victim to accuse him of the crimes suffered from an infection in her abdomen and needed to undergo corrective surgery.  You’re now next in line.

The warning signs were subtle and could have been overlooked by anyone unfamiliar with the intricacies of the contemporary practice of medicine and modern health care.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, would have recognized any problems when a self-described medical professional smokes a cigar while operating and makes the patient hold his or her own IV bag during the procedure.  Hell, you thought he was just being friendly and sociable when he later came to your house and disposed of six pounds of your fat by flushing it down the toilet.

Good luck.

THE GIFT OF PARADISE.  They may be trying to kill you, but your friends obviously have at least a pinch of a conscience.  At least, that’s what you rationalized when they gave you the gift of eternal peace and everlasting bliss.  That’s right: they took the liberty of reserving your spot in heaven.

The reservation was even accompanied by a travel kit that contains an official reservation certificate commemorating the occasion, an official identification card that clearly shows that you’re entitled to safe passage and an informational guide that should help you navigate the… uh… stairway to heaven?  You can also take comfort in knowing that the herald is offering a 100% money back guarantee that you’ll find ample accommodations in the afterlife.

Unfortunately, you won’t be able to take advantage of this guarantee.  If you don’t make it to heaven, you’re already dead, probably don’t need money and already on your way to a much warmer environment.

BACON MANIA: because we can always resolve to lose weight and get healthy next year

The sugarplums are no longer dancing and the fat man in the funny red suit has drifted off into the cinematic sunset.  It’s now time to turn the page on the ‘ol calendar and prepare for the coming year.  That means that it’s also time to resolve to accomplish a specific goal or change a longstanding habit over the next twelve months.

Nearly half of the country will make a resolution this year, and many will pledge to lose weight or maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Unfortunately, as few as twelve percent of people who make resolutions will succeed in accomplishing their goals.

Frankly, I blame the pigs.

It’s clearly their fault.  These little even-toed ungulates are dirty, raunchy and mean.  For centuries, they’ve been carrying nasty parasites and infectious diseases such as trichinosis, taenia solium, cysticercosis, and brucellosis.   Their most corrupt aspect – and perhaps the biggest impediment to the success of our resolutions – may damn well be the cured belly of their carcasses, otherwise commonly known as bacon.

I’m guessing that I don’t need to spend much time introducing the world to bacon.  We should already know that it’s tasty, delicious, and readily slides down the esophagus even when it’s burnt to a crisp.  We should also already know that bacon isn’t necessarily the most nutritious meat.  An ounce of bacon contains around 30 milligrams of cholesterol, and somewhere around 68 percent of its calories are derived from fat, with almost half of those calories are classified as saturated fats.  It gets worse, though: each serving of bacon may increase the risks associated with heart disease by 42 percent and diabetes by 19 percent.

Logic and reason necessarily dictate that we should limit our consumption of bacon or simply eat it in moderation.  Heck, even Apu Nahasapeemapetilon recognized the dangers of cured pig belly, and he’s not necessarily the most venerable or sage fictional character.  Still, Abu once famously remarked:

Let’s see-Farmer Billy’s smoke-fed bacon, Farmer Billy’s bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy’s travel bacon… Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns!

If a cartoon character can figure it out, anyone can figure it out.  That’s not happening, though, and Bacon Mania is now spreading like a contagious disease… or at the very least like trichinosis, taenia solium, cysticercosis, and brucellosis.

Foodies are maintaining blogs and authoring books.  Organizers are creating not-so-secret societies.  Retailers are selling themed apparel, scented candles, action figures, flavored tooth picks, christmas tree ornaments, board games and dental floss.  Distributors are marketing bacon gift baskets and memberships to bacon-of-the-month clubs.  Kids are trick-or-treating while disguised as bacon.  And, of course, the culinary maestros are crafting recipes that highlight greasy strips of swine.

The hallmark recipe of the bacon mania movement is undoubtedly the Bacon Explosion.  This nefarious creation is the size of a football and consists of strips of bacon wrapped around spiced sausage and crumbled bacon.  It weighs in at around 5000 calories.  That’s somewhere just south of two pounds of additional body fat.

Of course, there’s always the family-sized Fool’s Loaf Sandwich.  This scale-busting concoction is nothing more than an impending heart attack masquerading as a warm, hollow loaf of bread filled with one jar of peanut butter, one jar of grape jelly, and a full pound of bacon.  Rumor has it that this sandwich was part of the meal that killed Elvis

These recipes aren’t limited to main courses, however, because bacon knows no boundaries.  A handful of rather remarkable, artery-clogging desserts have been designed to compliment the Bacon Explosion, the Fool’s Loaf Sandwich or the bland but healthy green salad that’s a fundamental part of your new year’s resolution.  These dishes can easily be paired with bacon ice cream, bacon pie, frosted maple bacon cupcakes, or bacon chocolate candy bars.  And, of course, we can’t forget about pig candy.  It’s the perfect combination of smoked bacon and pecans coated with caramel and sugar.  Apparently, everything’s better with caramel and sugar.  Even swine.

The phenomenon of Bacon Mania isn’t even confined to solid foods and meals.  Hell no.  Bacon Mania universally embraces drinks, beverages and other refreshments.  Dr. Frasier Crane wasn’t too far off when he prophetically exclaimed

Yes, I’ll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!

At the very least, bacon vodka should help folks better cope with unsatisfied resolutions and unfulfilled expectations.  Anyone who chooses to indulge in a couple of Pigs on the Rocks or a half dozen Mitch Morgans with that special someone should, however, at least consider the almost inevitable consequences of consuming the meaty libations.  Be prepared.

%d bloggers like this: