Tag Archives: Holiday

On Valentine’s Day, nothing screams passion or romance like cake shaped after an anatomically correct human heart.

We already know that Pizza Hut set a very high standard for romantic cuisine for the coming holiday.  Valentine’s Day will simply never be the same after celebrating everlasting love by relishing in the joy of the franchise’s $10,010 Big Box Proposal Meal Deal.  Seriously, the phrase “I love you” is virtually synonymous with a one-topping medium pizza, a handful of overcooked breadsticks and bit of glitz and glamor.

Of course, other franchises and chains have taken notice.  Papa John’s pizzeria, for example, sold around 60,000 heart-shaped pizzas last year and expects to sell 75,000 this year.  Krispy Kreme is selling heart-shaped chunks of fun topped with all sorts of icing or sprinkles.  Down the street, competitive consumers will be able to celebrate Dunkin’ DonutsCupid’s Choice Donut and its Chocolate Heart Donut.

Somewhere in London, Lily Vanilli is laughing at the competition.  The baker, renown for unique and creative products, is now selling anatomically correct cakes that are shaped like real, bona fide human hearts.  I only wish I was making this up.  You can either visit the website to bear witness to images of these hearty desserts, or scroll down a bit for a better view.  As for me, well, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth, my stomach is making weird noises…gotta go.

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A greasy slice of pizza is the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day? You betcha.

Valentine’s Day has become synonymous with passionate romance, intimate meals, delicate red flowers and those goofy little greeting cards swapped by children.

The holiday is also closely associated with decadent chocolate and rich candied treats. These desserts are, however, relatively boring and uninspired. Still, hope exists for the affluent. Star-crossed lovers can now empty their wallets on the most expensive truffle in the world, which is priced at around $125.00 per ounce or around $2,000.00 per pound, or a box of ten chocolate bars accompanied by an Antic Swiss gold coin that costs $357.00. Those with more extravagant tastes can chose between sparkling desserts iced with jewelry, including a red velvet cupcake topped with an 8 carat diamond ring that costs $55,000.00 or a chocolate praline topped with a 3.63 carat diamond that retails for $240,000.00.

The rest of us – the blue-collar consumers – can always surprise our significant others with garlic bread and a hearty slice of pepperoni and sausage pizza. Soft drinks and chicken wings are optional, but are always greatly appreciated.

Holy slovenly sauces, Batman! Pizza Hut, the giant commercial franchise dedicated to the delivery of modern Italian cuisine, is now offering a pizza pie deal that costs $10,010.00. The franchise refers to the offering as its Big Box Proposal, and the scandalous spread includes a medium one-topping pizza, a generous portion of five breadsticks with marinara dipping sauce and ten cinnamon sticks topped with rich icing. The franchise is, of course, coupling the grub with a fireworks show, limousine service, a photographer, a videographer and a red ruby ring of undisclosed composition and value.

Extra cheese is available as a topping for an additional charge. I’m not kidding. The menu clearly indicates that consumers will have to pay more than $10,010.00 for another handful of processed cheese.

The dairy surcharged hasn’t deterred those eager to make their lover’s hearts pitter-patter to the beat of clogging arteries. A spokesperson for the franchise claims that the company received around eight hundred “serious inquiries” during a one-day period.

Eat your heart out, Papa John and Mr. Gatti. You’ll never successfully court Ms. Domino or Little Caesar with a simple spinach alfredo pie or a coupon for an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.

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FOUL FEET AND A HOLIDAY TREAT: a timely recipe for inconvenience and frustration

You’re tired.  You’re cranky.  You’re cold.  And you’re late.  The crowds are overwhelming, and you somehow found yourself stuck behind a series of yahoos who are obsessed with playing with their smartphones while slowly strolling through a mob of people who are also tired, cranky, cold and late.

The airport is the last place that you want to be during the holiday season.

You’ve removed your belt.  You’ve emptied your pockets.  The crowds are still overwhelming, and the line that you selected doesn’t seem to be moving.  Unfortunately, you’re also stuck behind an overweight gentleman who nearly cleared the area when he removed his shoes and freed whatever demons lurked beneath.

The security checkpoint at the airport is a yet another milestone in your yuletide journey through hell.

You stomach is growling.  You didn’t have time to eat.  You’re hungry.  The crowds are still overwhelming, the line still doesn’t seem to be moving and the fat man’s demons have yet to retreat.  You’re well aware that you’re not going to have the opportunity to pay a king’s ransom for a hot dog, a bag of chips or some other exotic delicacy sold by a vendor near your gate.

The beast in your belly is fightin’ mad, and his guttural roars are a constant reminder that you should have packed a few leftover cookies, cakes and other holiday treats.

Therein lies the problem.  These little nuggets of fun contain a disproportional amount of calories and an unrealistic amount of sugar.  They obviously pose an almost irresistible threat to our health and an unfortunately obstacle to the fulfillment of our upcoming resolutions.  They’re dangerous, but the hazards don’t necessarily begin at the waistline and end at unfulfilled resolutions.

Instead, holiday desserts may well constitute a clear and present danger to everyone’s safety and potential threat to national security.  This means that the last place that anyone wants to be caught red-handed with a cookie, cake or iced concoction is the security checkpoint at the airport.

Wait.  Holiday desserts may constitute a threat to national security?

Of course, and recent events at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas, Nevada, only serve to illustrate this concern.

Several days ago, Rebecca Hains, a 35-year-old communications professor at Salem State University, was trying to catch a ride on an airplane.  Unfortunately, she attempted to clear the security checkpoint at McCarran International Airport while carrying a red-velvet cupcake.  The red-velvet cupcake was topped with a hearty amount of icing, and this was a problem.  A serious problem.

A federal agent reportedly concluded that the gel-like icing violated federal regulations.  She was therefore forced to surrender her cupcake to the Transportation Safety Administration.

Ms. Hains was obviously not happy.  She believed that the TSA agent encroached upon her civil liberties.

Regardless of the claims and concerns, however, this entry isn’t meant to spark a debate on the lawfulness or appropriateness of the actions of federal screening officials.  It’s simply a recounting of an incident that involved a passenger, an agent and a cupcake… and a warning about yahoos with cellphones and noxious beings lurking in shoes worn by overweight gentlemen.

SEASON’S EATINGS: How Santa Claus And An Army Of Elves Have Engaged In A Scheme To Contribute To A National Epidemic

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention is reporting that childhood obesity affects nearly 17.5% of children and adolescents.  WebMD claims that nearly one in five children are overweight or obese.  The American Academy of Child & Parent Psychiatry estimates that obesity affects between 16% and 33% of children and adolescents.  These rates have increased nearly 300% over the past thirty years.

A number of factors are likely contributing to this epidemic.  The most common reasons, however, appear to be some combination of eating too much, consuming unhealthy foods and exercising too little.

Personally, I blame the elves.  Santa’s elves.

I’m not sure how long it’s been since the little miscreants have actually made toys that were delivered by the jolly fat man in the red suit.  Instead, the only elves that seem to be working are busy whipping up chocolate chip granola fudge bars, double stuffed fudge cookies and jumbo peanut butter fudge sticks.  This isn’t necessarily the most positive trend, because these goodies don’t exactly have the nutritional value of fruits, vegetables, lean meats or any other food commonly associated with positive health.  The little boogers are even rationalizing the presence of trans-fats in many of their recipes:

We are aware of the health concerns regarding trans-fats.  We have invested significant resources to find suitable ingredient replacements to reduce or remove trans-fats from our foods…  This is a challenge to do without impacting taste, texture and freshness. We remain dedicated to achieving this goal in existing products that still contain trans-fats, as well as in any future products we introduce.

The elves need to stop this practice, uphold their end of the bargain and work with their ringleader to simply make toys that will be delivered to children throughout the world.  The problem may be that ‘ol St. Nick isn’t exactly an innocent party, and he instead appears to be conspiring with the elves to perpetuate the scheme.  For example, we’re aware that children have long been encouraged to leave a plate of cookies near the chimney on Christmas Eve.  This is, after all, the season of giving and Santa surely welcomes this snack.  When asked to estimate the number of cookies that he eats, the plump old man admitted that he eats:

Lots and lots. I’m not sure if I can count high enough, but I eat a lot of cookies even though Mrs. Claus says to cut back on the number. Last year I ate so many I felt a little sick because of the sheer number of them, so this year I may eat a little less at each home.

Sometimes kids will also leave some type of healthy snack near the chimney.  Many kids elect to provide carrots, but others leave apples or a different vegetable or fruit.  We all know that this is really a farce.  Santa eats the cookies, but we’re also pretty darn sure that he feeds the healthy food to his pets… er… the reindeer.

Frankly, I’m done with the fat old man and his legion of elves.  I really should have stopped believing some time ago, given that I’m now in my thirties and have already successfully dismissed the Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin and other fictional characters.  This, however, is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  I would therefore strongly suggest that everyone follow suit and emphasize a holiday that is rooted in history, is predicated on real human beings and has national significance.   That’s right – I’m suggesting that we simply flash forward to February and celebrate Presidents Day.  George Washington may not have been the pinnacle of health, but he’s also not likely to contribute to the national obesity epidemic or slide down your chimney and eat your cookies.

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