Tag Archives: humor

YOUR FRIENDS ARE PLOTTING TO KILL YOU: ‘tis the season for holiday gifts that suggest a sinister, diabolic motive

Your friends are trying to kill you.   It’s true.  Everyone knows it but you.

THE GIFT OF RELAXATION.  You should have at least suspected foul play when your friends gave you the ShoulderFlex Shoulder Massager.   This innocuous little gizmo may appear to be an ideal gift for a fitness enthusiast recovering from grueling training.  Little did you know that looks can be deceiving.  The ShoulderFlex is really a doppelganger of death that ambushes its unsuspecting victims by slowly lulling them into a state of catatonic relaxation.  Once the victim is subdued, the nefarious little machine grabs their hair or jewelry and attempts to choke them.  The Food and Drug Administration has already warned that “[c]onsumers should stop using this device, health care providers should not recommend it to their patients and businesses should stop distributing and selling the device.”

THE GIFT OF GLUTTONY.  You’re vaguely familiar with Bacon Mania, probably because you read about the cultural phenomenon on some half-baked blog.  Either that, or you’re already fond of bacon ice cream, bacon pie, frosted maple bacon cupcakes and bacon chocolate candy bars.

Your friends are also familiar with Bacon Mania.  They understand the correlation between eating massive quantities of highly caloric foods, such as bacon, and heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer of the uterus, cervix, ovaries, breast, colon, rectum and prostrate.  They also read about these concerns on the same half-baked blog.

Not surprisingly, they purchased a ticking time-bomb for you… a lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club, which the merchant of death describes as follows:

This Bacon of the Month Club delivers two packages of different flavors of bacon to your door once a month. Yes, it’s true. No need to pinch yourself; you’re not dreaming. And you don’t have to die in order for you to reach Hog-Heaven. It’s right here, in this bacon-tastic club. Beautiful.

No.  It’s not bacon-tastic.  It’s not beautiful.  It’s just so wrong, in so many ways.  And it’s yet another sign that your friends have conspired to lead you toward your grave.

THE GIFT OF LIFE.  Your lifetime membership to the Bacon of the Month Club was accompanied by another gift: obesity.  You’re now fat and at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer.  That’s why your were relieved when your friends ponied up $2,884.00, the average cost of liposuction.

You’re well aware of the risks associated with the procedure.  You could suffer from infection, organ damage, fluid imbalance, pulmonary embolism or a lidocaine overdose.  You never suspected, however, that the most grave risk came from their selection of Carlos Guzmangarza as the professional who will perform the procedure.

You must have missed the media reports while you were busy guzzling bacon vodka and devouring the Fool’s Loaf Sandwich and the Bacon Explosion.  If you had been paying attention or conducted a modicum of due diligence, however, you’d have learned that Mr. Guzmangarza – or however the hell you spell it – has been accused of stealing a doctor’s identity, operating a phony clinic and performing illegal liposuction on unsuspecting victims.    The first victim to accuse him of the crimes suffered from an infection in her abdomen and needed to undergo corrective surgery.  You’re now next in line.

The warning signs were subtle and could have been overlooked by anyone unfamiliar with the intricacies of the contemporary practice of medicine and modern health care.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, would have recognized any problems when a self-described medical professional smokes a cigar while operating and makes the patient hold his or her own IV bag during the procedure.  Hell, you thought he was just being friendly and sociable when he later came to your house and disposed of six pounds of your fat by flushing it down the toilet.

Good luck.

THE GIFT OF PARADISE.  They may be trying to kill you, but your friends obviously have at least a pinch of a conscience.  At least, that’s what you rationalized when they gave you the gift of eternal peace and everlasting bliss.  That’s right: they took the liberty of reserving your spot in heaven.

The reservation was even accompanied by a travel kit that contains an official reservation certificate commemorating the occasion, an official identification card that clearly shows that you’re entitled to safe passage and an informational guide that should help you navigate the… uh… stairway to heaven?  You can also take comfort in knowing that the herald is offering a 100% money back guarantee that you’ll find ample accommodations in the afterlife.

Unfortunately, you won’t be able to take advantage of this guarantee.  If you don’t make it to heaven, you’re already dead, probably don’t need money and already on your way to a much warmer environment.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE: infectious diseases, conspiracy theories and a couple of birds give rise to a very contagious new year

I’ve already proudly admitted that I’m a bit of a geek.  I own multiple editions of the original Star Wars trilogy, know far too much about the secret origins of comic book heroes, and long ago recognized the literary genius of George R. R. Martin.  Hell, at any given time there are more USB cables dangling from my computer than cans of food in my pantry… and I get really, really excited when I find an effective way to simultaneously use each of those USB cables.

This also means that I’m privy to secretive knowledge and information that often eludes the general public.  I understand, for example, how to recognize the cunning actions of a global conspiracy that seeks to suppress contemporary political, economic and social systems and install the fabled New World Order.

It’s true folks.  You may not want to believe it, but you really need to believe it.

The latest treacherous ploy was subtly undertaken while the country was distracted by Thanksgiving, Christmas and National Cupcake Day.  It almost slipped the attention of the mainstream media… perhaps because these mainstream media is largely a pawn for these dark forces.

The plot originates with Aves Palaneognathae and Aves Neognathe.  The general public often refers to these vicious little harbingers of death as “birds.”  They’re again spreading the bird flu, and humanity needs to stand up and take notice of the implications.  Again, you may not want to take notice, but you really need to take notice.

Look, I’ve seen enough George Romero flicks to know that outbreaks of disease are often the result of seemingly inconspicuous medical research gone awry.  Max Brooks holds a special place on my bookshelf, if for no other reason than his written effort to explain the implications of these outbreaks.  Fox Mulder and Dana Scully tried to bring widespread attention to the manipulation of these situations by powerful yet secret organizations.  They were, however, discredited by the unseen powers, who falsely depicted them as fictional characters and cancelled their broadcasts.

Not surprisingly, researchers have created a new highly contagious and fatal strain of the H5N1 bird flu.  They manipulated the existing virus, mucking around with its structure and tinkering with its properties, until they crafted a new strain that is now likely able to be transmitted between humans.  If the genetically altered strain is truly able to be passed from one person to another, it could cause a global flu pandemic that could kill upwards of 50 million people.  Or more.

The World Health Organization’s response has been underwhelming.   In its initial statement, WHO minimized the global consequences of the research, likely in an attempt to quell the public’s appreciation of the gravity of the situation.  It first said that

[w]hile it is clear that conducting research to gain such knowledge must continue, it is also clear that certain research, and especially that which can generate more dangerous forms of the virus….has risks

Of course, the organization followed this statement by issuing more nonsense.  It almost casually noted that it was “deeply concerned about the potential negative consequences” of the research.

Potential schmotential.  There are actual consequences.  Even the current strain of H5N1 is highly pathogenic and kills most birds and nearly 60 percent of the people it infects.  It has already infected nearly 600 people, killing nearly 350It has also resulted in the culling or killing of over 400 birds and has caused economic losses that have been estimated at $20 billion.

Fear not, though.  The media claims that bird flu should have already been eliminated from nearly all of the countries that experienced exposure to it.

Whatever.  Two birds recently tested positive for H5N1 in Hong Kong.  Eight Cambodians recently died after being infected with the bird flu.  Not surprisingly, several weeks ago, a Chinese male recently tested positive for a contagious strain of avian flu.  He almost immediately died of multiple organ failure… yet the populous is supposed to take comfort in the suggestion that the disease has been eliminated in nearly all relevant countries.  Again, whatever.

At least two fearless men are now demonstrating remarkable courage in speaking out against the manipulation of the H5N1 virus.  Dr. D. A. Henderson, a scholar at the Center for Biosecurity at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center and a leader in eradicating the smallpox virus, claims that the research should never have been conducted and that the risks outweighed any potential benefit that could be derived from the work.  Dr. Richard H. Ebright,  a professor at Rutgers University and an an expert in bioweapons, agreed with Dr. Henderson, but further explained that:

This research should not have been done…  [The manipulated strain] will inevitably escape, and within a decade.

If their opinions and predictions translate to reality, 2012 is going to be a wild ride.  Break out those tinfoil hats, folks.  They may not protect you from the bird flu, but at least they block the mind probe.

/sarcasm

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