Tag Archives: resolutions

BACON MANIA: because we can always resolve to lose weight and get healthy next year

The sugarplums are no longer dancing and the fat man in the funny red suit has drifted off into the cinematic sunset.  It’s now time to turn the page on the ‘ol calendar and prepare for the coming year.  That means that it’s also time to resolve to accomplish a specific goal or change a longstanding habit over the next twelve months.

Nearly half of the country will make a resolution this year, and many will pledge to lose weight or maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Unfortunately, as few as twelve percent of people who make resolutions will succeed in accomplishing their goals.

Frankly, I blame the pigs.

It’s clearly their fault.  These little even-toed ungulates are dirty, raunchy and mean.  For centuries, they’ve been carrying nasty parasites and infectious diseases such as trichinosis, taenia solium, cysticercosis, and brucellosis.   Their most corrupt aspect – and perhaps the biggest impediment to the success of our resolutions – may damn well be the cured belly of their carcasses, otherwise commonly known as bacon.

I’m guessing that I don’t need to spend much time introducing the world to bacon.  We should already know that it’s tasty, delicious, and readily slides down the esophagus even when it’s burnt to a crisp.  We should also already know that bacon isn’t necessarily the most nutritious meat.  An ounce of bacon contains around 30 milligrams of cholesterol, and somewhere around 68 percent of its calories are derived from fat, with almost half of those calories are classified as saturated fats.  It gets worse, though: each serving of bacon may increase the risks associated with heart disease by 42 percent and diabetes by 19 percent.

Logic and reason necessarily dictate that we should limit our consumption of bacon or simply eat it in moderation.  Heck, even Apu Nahasapeemapetilon recognized the dangers of cured pig belly, and he’s not necessarily the most venerable or sage fictional character.  Still, Abu once famously remarked:

Let’s see-Farmer Billy’s smoke-fed bacon, Farmer Billy’s bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy’s travel bacon… Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns!

If a cartoon character can figure it out, anyone can figure it out.  That’s not happening, though, and Bacon Mania is now spreading like a contagious disease… or at the very least like trichinosis, taenia solium, cysticercosis, and brucellosis.

Foodies are maintaining blogs and authoring books.  Organizers are creating not-so-secret societies.  Retailers are selling themed apparel, scented candles, action figures, flavored tooth picks, christmas tree ornaments, board games and dental floss.  Distributors are marketing bacon gift baskets and memberships to bacon-of-the-month clubs.  Kids are trick-or-treating while disguised as bacon.  And, of course, the culinary maestros are crafting recipes that highlight greasy strips of swine.

The hallmark recipe of the bacon mania movement is undoubtedly the Bacon Explosion.  This nefarious creation is the size of a football and consists of strips of bacon wrapped around spiced sausage and crumbled bacon.  It weighs in at around 5000 calories.  That’s somewhere just south of two pounds of additional body fat.

Of course, there’s always the family-sized Fool’s Loaf Sandwich.  This scale-busting concoction is nothing more than an impending heart attack masquerading as a warm, hollow loaf of bread filled with one jar of peanut butter, one jar of grape jelly, and a full pound of bacon.  Rumor has it that this sandwich was part of the meal that killed Elvis

These recipes aren’t limited to main courses, however, because bacon knows no boundaries.  A handful of rather remarkable, artery-clogging desserts have been designed to compliment the Bacon Explosion, the Fool’s Loaf Sandwich or the bland but healthy green salad that’s a fundamental part of your new year’s resolution.  These dishes can easily be paired with bacon ice cream, bacon pie, frosted maple bacon cupcakes, or bacon chocolate candy bars.  And, of course, we can’t forget about pig candy.  It’s the perfect combination of smoked bacon and pecans coated with caramel and sugar.  Apparently, everything’s better with caramel and sugar.  Even swine.

The phenomenon of Bacon Mania isn’t even confined to solid foods and meals.  Hell no.  Bacon Mania universally embraces drinks, beverages and other refreshments.  Dr. Frasier Crane wasn’t too far off when he prophetically exclaimed

Yes, I’ll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!

At the very least, bacon vodka should help folks better cope with unsatisfied resolutions and unfulfilled expectations.  Anyone who chooses to indulge in a couple of Pigs on the Rocks or a half dozen Mitch Morgans with that special someone should, however, at least consider the almost inevitable consequences of consuming the meaty libations.  Be prepared.

EAT BUTTER, LOSE WEIGHT… and stop wasting time eating healthier foods, reducing caloric intake and increasing time spent exercising

We ate too many cookies and too much candy.  We drank and we feasted.  We came, we saw, we conquered.

The holidays are nearly over, and it’s now time to consider a resolution to lose weight and get in shape during the new calendar year.  Unfortunately, a number of folks are not content with simply eating healthier foods, reducing caloric intake and increasing time spent exercising.  Many instead turn to alternative or trendy dietary plans, either limiting their intake of carbohydrates or adopting the grapefruit diet, the cookie diet, the baby food diet or the three day diet.

Heck, some folks even consciously chose to follow the cabbage soup diet.  The prevailing wisdom is that the cabbage soup diet may contribute to rapid weight loss, even if it’s not going to help anyone get a little closer to that someone special.  Nobody has ever mistaken the cabbage soup diet for the perfume and cologne diet.

Forget the cabbage.  Forget the baby food.  Forget the cookies.  I just wish that somebody, somewhere, somehow would devise some sort of diet that would allow us to eat untold quantities of butter.  A stick of butter is already shaped like a candy bar, tastes better than a candy bar and weighs in at only 810 calories per stick.  This is precisely the type of food that should be the keystone of any serious dietary plan.

It just might be time to consider relocating to Norway, because many Norwegians appear to have embraced a new dietary plan that focuses on the consumption of butter and other fatty foods.  The fad appears to be sweeping the country at a somewhat alarming rate, and Reuters is now reporting that Norwegian sales of butter have dramatically increased – perhaps as much as 20 percent in October and 30 percent in November.   It is also reporting that Norwegians are paying around $13 for a 250 gram slab of butter, which is approximately 4 times the normal price.

The fad has become so popular that the country has literally depleted its stockpile of butter.  That’s right – there is almost no butter left in Norway, and dieters following the latest fad are finding themselves unable to secure the key to achieving their goals. … which means that it’s probably time to invest heavily in future sales of grapefruits, cookies, baby food and cabbage.

New Year’s Resolutions: Four Unconventional Sources of Motivation for Your Health

The new year is quickly approaching, and the turn of the calendar typically marks another arbitrary date where many people promise to eat better, start an exercise program, lose weight and get in shape.  Relatively few people, however, actually stick to their resolutions and accomplish their goals.

The talking heads and experts stand ready to offer tips and tricks that purportedly may foster motivation and contribute to success.  For example, they’ll offer a wide range of advice by suggesting that folks remember that exercising will increase attractiveness and lead to better health, bring exercise clothes to work and schedule a time to work out, develop an interest or hobby that requires physical activity, set goals, pretend that they’re Rocky Balboa or someone who enjoys exercise or suit up in their favorite apparel and wear lip gloss when heading to the gym.

Most of this advice is essentially worthless because it doesn’t address the core issue: a resolution to embrace these new habits is really a commitment to embrace a new lifestyle.  This is a monumental challenge, and in many ways its significance cannot be overstated.  People who resolve to eat better, start an exercise program, lose weight and get in shape are trying to reverse years, decades or a lifetime of behavior that has become fundamentally ingrained in the daily routing.  These change can prove daunting, uncomfortable, and even stressful.  Not surprisingly, even the best of intentions can quickly evolve into a litany of excuses and unfulfilled expectations.

And, let’s face it: most guys aren’t willing to pretend that they’re a prize fighter who wears lip gloss when heading to the gym.  Heck, I may dream of being a fictional prize fighter, but I’m certainly not wearing lip gloss.  At least not in public.

So, without further ado, I’m going to present my own unconventional tips and tricks for fulfilling promises to eat better, join a gym, lose weight and get in shape.  It may or may not help, but at the very least the suggestions are an alternative to those provided by the mainstream media.

TIP NUMBER 1: DON’T BE A THIEF.  Folks looking to adopt a new lifestyle may consider participating in a walk/run, a 5k or some other event that requires training and commitment.  Many events allow participants to secure monetary pledges from family, friends and others that will benefit a charity or non-profit organization.  The concept is fairly straightforward, and is predicated on the expectation that the participant will actually attempt to complete the event.

It can be relatively easy to skip training and not participate in the aforementioned activity.  In this case, folks are only letting themselves down.  Folks who solicit money from others to support their training and participation, however, essentially undertake a responsibility to others to train and participate.  Anyone who fails to even attempt to complete the event are essentially failing to uphold their end of the bargain.

This can be a powerful source of motivation, because it involves not only the desire to exercise but also a moral obligation to participate.  The conscience can be a powerful tool.  Harness it.

TIP NUMBER 2: EAT ALL SNACKS AND MEALS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.  NAKED. The honest truth is that most people who truly need to exercise are overweight, obese or simply unhappy with the way they look.  The reflection in the mirror serves as a rather unpleasant reminder of being overweight or obese.  The consumption of unhealthy food in front of a mirror highlights the behavior that led to being overweight or obese.  Being naked only emphasizes the consequences of eating unhealthy foods.

Ultimately, there’s simply nothing appealing about a naked fat guy downing his third chili cheese hotdog, a mountain of greasy fries and an ice cream sundae.  Keep reminding yourself that you don’t want to be that guy.

TIP NUMBER 3: CHANNEL THE EFFORTS OF OTHERS.  Have you seen somebody with a physical disability or injury busting their butt at the gym?  He may have every reason to throw in the towel and stop exercising.  But he’s not.  He’s rising to occasion and overcoming what may be a fairly significant challenge to perform the very same action that you want to accomplish.

He’s able to do it with the physical injury or disability.  What’s your excuse?

TIP NUMBER 4: STARBUCKS AND THE FOOD NETWORK ARE THE ENEMY.  Don’t grab a frapathingie and walk on a treadmill while watching the Food Network.  ’nuff said.



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